


The Crown of Hearts

by Ahowriter (4uKiSS)



Category: Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: Angst, BAMF Alec Lightwood, BAMF Magnus Bane, Fluff and Angst, Hurt Magnus Bane, Love, M/M, Protective Alec Lightwood, Protective Magnus Bane, Sacrifice, Smut, Tragedy, True Love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-10-14
Updated: 2018-10-14
Packaged: 2019-08-01 21:19:26
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,177
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16292006
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/4uKiSS/pseuds/Ahowriter
Summary: I have found the paradox, that if you love until it hurts, there can be no more hurt, only more love.- Mother Teresa"I've thought about it before, how it will be like for him to be without me. But I never thought about how it will be like for me to be without him. So please, don't make me be without him. I can't be without him."My interpretation of what happened after the events of 3x10 Erchomai.





	The Crown of Hearts

**Author's Note:**

> Ooh what's this? A Malec fic? Be gentle with me.

 

 

Magnus’s face is pinched with disquiet, eyes unseeing as they look past the city skyline. The chill of the night air is cruel with a wintry bite, but the warlock pays no mind, not even when his fingers are growing numb with cold and goosebumps are rising from his naked arms.

 

It is how Alec finds him on the balcony, a blanket in hand as he shuts the door quietly behind him and approaches his boyfriend.

 

“Magnus.” Alec gently and meticulously drapes the blanket over Magnus’s shoulders, taking care to cover most of his boyfriend’s thinly dressed state in the wintry chill of the night. “Come inside, it's freezing out here.”

 

Magnus is quiet for a moment, then a small, soft smile breaks on his lips. “If you intended to bring me inside, Alexander, you would not have shut the doors or brought me a blanket.” His frozen fingers find Alec’s and he gasps in protest at how cold they are, immediately cradling Magnus’s hand in both of his to warm him up. “I’m sorry.”

 

Alec frowns, squeezing Magnus’s hand harder. “You have nothing to apologize for.”

 

The smile on Magnus’s lips turn bitter. “I have plenty to apologize for, Alexander.”

 

“No, you don’t.” Alec’s tone is vehement. “You are the least to blame for this, Magnus. There is nothing we could have done to prevent her from taking Jace.” Alec’s voice softens, his thumbs stroking gentle circles on the back of Magnus’s hand. “You did all you could.”

 

Magnus takes a short inhale of breath and he leans against Alec, Alec’s arms automatically going around him and pulling him closer. “Still.” Magnus remembers the anguish in Alec’s voice when he regained consciousness to realize that his brother is once again missing, taken by Lilith; remembers the break in his voice when he says _we promised him. We promised him we wouldn't let her take him again._ “I’m sorry, Alexander.”

 

“I’m sorry too.” It comes out as a soft murmur against Magnus’s hair where Alec had rested his chin on, arms squeezing Magnus more tightly against him. He pulls back slightly to pensively stare at the glaring red marks on the soft skin of Magnus’s neck, lifting his hand from Magnus’s hip to brush his fingertips over the indention. The sight of it never failed to raise the terror within him that Magnus had brushed so close to death, that he had come so close to losing him for good. He exhales shakily, pressing his forehead against Magnus’s. “I’m so sorry, Magnus. I’m so sorry.”

 

“Alexander.” Magnus reaches to gently cradle Alec’s cheek in his hand. “I’m here, love. I’m okay.”

 

 _You almost weren't._ Alec bit back the retort and instead clung onto Magnus harder. He couldn't dispel the fear, the haunting terror that Magnus nearly _died_ , and he was there but was powerless to prevent it. That he could have opened his eyes and Magnus could have been a cold, unresponsive body across from him. A violent shudder rips through him at the thought and he barely holds back a sob.

 

“I can't lose you, Magnus. I _can’t._ ”

 

_I don't think I can live without you._

 

Magnus lifts his face and presses a kiss on Alec’s trembling lips. “You won’t.” Magnus’s voice is strong with conviction even as his fingers stroking Alec’s cheek are gentle. “You won't, Alexander. I will always come back to you.”

 

When Alec kisses him it speaks of overwhelming emotion - grief, fear, relief and a desperate hope to believe. Magnus kisses him back just as fiercely; the arms anchoring them both tightly to each other speak of nothing but the fiercest, strongest and purest of love.

 

*

 

In the aftermath of it all, Alec can't help but thank every Angel out there for having returned Magnus safely to him.

 

In the dim brightness of the room, Alec is turned on his side, the stretch pulling the stitches taught and uncomfortable on his chest, but he ignores that to quietly watch his sleeping boyfriend who is slumped in an armchair next to his bed, hand limp but still tightly intertwined with Alec’s, who is absently tracing nonsensical patterns on the back of his hand.

 

Magnus had never once left his side for a moment, his shaking hand in Alec’s the only thing that betrayed his terror, his fear for Alec’s life as Alec is rushed into the medical wing in the Institute. Alec had remained stubbornly conscious through it all, eyes never leaving Magnus’s even as he is swarmed with medics and members of his family, his throat working a protest when he is made to let go of Magnus’s hand so that the medic could hook him up to a machine to start administering a blood transfusion to make up for his blood loss.

 

But Magnus never left - he remained, a little way away from the commotion around Alec’s bed so he won't get in the way - but he stayed, unwavering even as he watches people he barely knows save Alec’s life; eyes unreadable and mouth set in a strained line. Alec wants to scream _it's not your fault_ and _don't you dare blame yourself for this_ and most pressingly _are you okay?_ but the words never passed his lips because goddammit it hurts, it hurts, it _really fucking hurts_. Even as the iratze rune is burning against his skin it does nothing to alleviate the actual pain inflaming his chest, and through his periphery he sees Magnus swallow and glance minutely down at his hands. Alec wants to scream and cry because he knows, he _knows_ that Magnus is blaming himself for being utterly helpless and unable to heal him with a flick of his wrist, and he wants nothing more but to hold Magnus in his arms and never let him go because he can start to see the cracks in the warlock's demeanor.

 

Magnus is _breaking_ and Alec wants to be there to piece him all back together. _Wants_ to tell him that blaming himself is the _last_ thing he should ever do. That even though Alec is the one with the broken wrist and an arrow through his chest, _Magnus_ is the one who had lost so much, sacrificed so much, and yet this hopelessly, unbelievably _selfless_ man could still have the presence of mind to blame himself for not being able to heal Alec as he would have done if he still had his magic; when he is the one who had essentially lost _everything…_

Alec has no words. No words at all because he _loves_ this man so _much_ and he is so, _so_ grateful that Magnus had come back, to him. Because after everything they lost in this war tonight, Alec couldn't _bear_ the thought of losing him.

 

Alec sighs, hating the space between them, wanting Magnus to be right on the bed with him where he can touch him, feel him, hold him tight against him. But Magnus had been resolute - even after Alec is bandaged up and declared to be out of the woods, Magnus didn't want to take any risks and open his stitches, especially now when he isn't able to heal them should anything happen. Magnus didn't want Alec to be in any form of pain anymore after his close brush with death, but it took everything in Alec to bite back _but what about you? Did anyone check to see if you are injured or in pain?_ because they are still in the presence of his family and other than him and Jace and Izzy, no one knew that Magnus no longer had his magic and therefore on principal could no longer heal himself from any physical injury.

 

Alec brought Magnus’s hand to his lips, closing his eyes as he presses a kiss against his fingers and fights back the ache in his heart at the enormity of what Magnus had lost. There is still a hint of smoke lingering on Magnus’s skin, whether it be the aftermath of his meeting with his father in Edom or the flames that had licked and leapt at him aggressively from the pentagram Alec doesn't know. But Magnus’s skin is cool against his lips in contrast to the smoky smell and Alec finds himself clutching Magnus’s hand tighter in a desperate bid to keep him warm. Alec doesn't like cold skin - it reminds him of dead bodies, and Magnus is very much _alive_. Very much _here_ , Alec reminds himself as he presses a kiss against the steady pulse in Magnus’s wrist.

 

“I love you,” he murmurs against Magnus’s skin, eyes sliding shut to prevent his tears from escaping. “I love you, Magnus Bane.”

 

“Alexander?”

 

Alec exhales shakily and opens his eyes, glassy from tears, to watch Magnus stir awake, exhausted golden eyes seeking his as he leans forward, only to grimace as his cramped body seizes in protest. However his eyes soften when they focus on Alec, and Alec fights back another sob. “How are you feeling, darling?”

 

“Magnus, I -” Alec swallows the lump in his throat and reaches to cradle Magnus’s cheek with his other hand. “I love you.”

 

Magnus seems to deflate, tension leaving his rigid shoulders and he nuzzles into Alec’s hand, gold slit-pupiled eyes sliding shut.

 

“Oh Alexander,” Magnus breathes, hand tightening around Alec’s. “I love you too, darling. So much.”

 

Alec tugs him in for a kiss because he couldn't help it any longer - it's been a solid ten hours since Magnus had returned from Edom to find him stabbed and bleeding on the street, and he _needs_ to kiss Magnus. He needs to convey his love to this man who had given up everything he had for him, needs to reassure himself that Magnus is indeed here and alive. Magnus responds to his desperation with equal fervor, his free hand curling in the front of Alec’s shirt and matching Alec in every breath and every tangle of their tongues. It is a few minutes more before they separate, both breathing hard, and Alec presses his forehead against Magnus’s and just embraces the feel of Magnus against him, wanting to bleed out the icy, suffocating fear that had since gripped his heart when he had watched Magnus being swallowed up by the cruel flames, fighting the overwhelming urge to reach out and grab him and pull him back, praying desperately that he would return to Alec, safe and sound.

 

Alec exhales shakily, his hand that was cradling Magnus’s cheek sliding down to pat his body for injuries. “Are you hurt anywhere?” he asks softly, worry and urgency coloring his tone as he looks over Magnus intently for the smallest scratch or wound. His fingers slide over Magnus’s jawline, down to his neck and the exposed skin of his collarbones, heart hurting as the dust from Edom’s sands come away from Magnus’s skin and the slight burns from where the fire from the pentagram had burnt him come into view.

 

Magnus lets his fretting hands pat him down in search for any injuries and instead watches Alec quietly, eyes softening as Alec worries over the slight burns on his skin and the small scratches and nicks he finds on his hands and the exposed flesh of his legs through the tears in his pants. It distracts him from the horrible, empty hollowness within him, the vast chasm in the center of his soul that acts as though it’s a black hole, swallowing everything that is him, _Magnus_ , into nothingness. It terrifies him, _being_ without magic; the only thing keeping him together and preventing him from completely breaking down is the presence of Alec Lightwood, _his_ Alexander Lightwood anchoring him firmly to the present.

 

He can actually feel the weight of his years heavy on his bones - he is so, so _tired_ , and he's terrified about what this means for him. He had given up his magic without second thought back then, the sense of urgency and adrenaline tearing through him because he _needs_ to get back to Alec - but he should have considered the technicalities. Discussed the repercussions. Immortality is gifted to warlocks as a part of their heritage, but now that he is no longer a being associated with magic.. What does it mean? Would he die? When? In the next few days? Minutes?

 

Magnus exhales a shuddering breath and Alec looks up sharply - Magnus schools his expression to mask his chaotic emotions but Alec had seen it. Even if he hadn't, Alec knows him well enough to see when Magnus is breaking - and oh God Magnus doesn't know. He _doesn't know,_ and that's what terrifies him.

_He doesn't know._

“Magnus -”

 

“Alexander.” Magnus’s voice cracks and Alec makes a pained sound, fingers tightening impossibly around Magnus’s as he looks desperately upon the other.

 

“I’m scared.”

 

It is voiced in a tiny, broken whisper, the sort a terrified child would make, and something inside Alec breaks even as he surges forward to gather a sobbing Magnus into his arms; his own grief sliding down his cheeks in hot, wet tracks.

 

 

 

**Author's Note:**

> It means a lot to me that you came this far to the point where you are reading this little end note! Thank you so much <3


End file.
